


Worlds Apart

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-04-21
Updated: 2010-04-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 15:17:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 15,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8107360
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: Life in the AQ hasn’t quite lived up to Kathryn’s expectations but a drunken confrontation with Chakotay leads to revelations and long awaited resolutions.





	

**Author's Note:**

> A post-Endgame fixer upper for Kim J on her birthday. Have a good one, my friend – and thank you for the beta.

It took Kathryn a frustrating few moments to recall her new door code; a dizzying array of numbers tumbled through her mind before she finally managed to hit the required buttons and stagger through the entrance of her apartment. She’d been doing so well until her shoulder ricocheted off the jamb and, with arms flailing, she groped blindly for the frame to steady herself. Through heavy-lidded eyes, she surveyed the lay of the land and, zeroing in on her objective – the sofa – she made an even more ungainly lurch across the room.

In a tangle of arms and legs, accompanied by a garbled expletive, she slumped into the welcoming softness of her Starfleet issue couch. It took three attempts before she managed to plonk her feet on the coffee table and, stationary at last, she heaved a sigh of relief.

It was short lived, however.

Even though she was motionless, the room kept moving and when her eyes refused to focus, she closed them for a moment. That didn’t help and her world spun sickeningly. After another tortured moan, she opened them again, let her head flop back and stared at the ceiling until the whirling slowed.

God damn; she was as drunk as a lord!

She’d had an awful night as the guest of honour at yet another Starfleet Public Relations shindig. Passed around like a bad penny from one smirking sycophant to the next, she’d gracefully endured their cloying company as they’d pulled her close to pose for holoimages that would be splashed across the newsfeeds and social pages for the next week. She’d come to realise that there was very little that people wouldn’t do to snatch their fifteen minutes of fame. She gave a disdainful huff – pathetic bootlickers.

Her face ached from trying to smile past gritted teeth and her head pounded from the combined cacophony of music and the incessant crow of shrill voices. The flash of holo-cameras had all but burnt holes in her retinas – she still had dark spots dancing in front of her eyes and, to add insult to injury, during the course of this horror show, she’d managed to drink herself into near oblivion. Now her head was spinning like a pinwheel and she couldn’t focus on anything. And not only couldn’t she hold her liquor, she’d also established, without a shadow of a doubt, that she was a coward.

A gutless, snivelling coward.

She’d bailed out early from the evening’s celebrations, without a word to anyone. Not a goodnight, a good bye or a thank you; she’d simply left. Her mother would be appalled.

It wasn’t as though she’d intended to leave so precipitously; it had been a strategic retreat on her part, or at least that’s how she intended to justify her untimely departure. In her position, it was important to try to maintain some semblance of decorum and she’d skated very close to the edge of calamity this evening. She was fairly sure that she’d made a clean getaway. Although, after the assortment of aperitifs and the gallon or two of red wine she’d imbibed, she was almost past knowing or caring what anyone thought of her. Thankfully, however, a glimmer of good sense had prevailed. Once she’d realised her condition, and loath to make a spectacle of herself; she’d scarpered.

Getting drunk hadn’t been on the evening’s original agenda – famous last words – but after the first couple of glasses had gone down so easily and because the gentle buzz of alcohol made the whole evening seem vaguely tolerable, she’d been less than vigilant about keeping score. She’d quickly lost count of the number of drinks she’d had and with her ardent admirers constantly topping up her glass, she’d become completely hammered in no time. It wasn’t until she’d excused herself to escape to the balcony, under the pretext of needing a breath of fresh air that the alcohol had hit home with a resounding wallop.

At the time, the thought had crossed her mind to call the Doctor to ask for an antidote but she couldn’t bring herself to face him in her current state. Then she figured that, in the end, it didn’t matter if she was three, six or ten sheets to the wind. She wasn’t in charge of a ship anymore, or responsible for the lives of her crew. In fact, no one needed her for anything other than these pathetic publicity stunts so she could be as reckless and irresponsible as she liked. No one gave a damn so why should she? With that in mind, she’d returned to the celebration, defiantly downed another glass of red wine and then, without a word to anyone, made her way to the transporter.

The technician had looked at her strangely after she’d tripped onto the platform, but she ignored him and stood her ground, holding her head high as she swayed precariously on the transporter pad. Finally, at his polite prompt, she’d given him the co-ordinates of her building and, once the tingle of the beam had faded, she’d made a weaving beeline to her apartment.

She’d made it, relatively unscathed, and here was where she was going to stay for the foreseeable future; she didn’t want to go anywhere _ever again_.

Hell, she’d been almost everywhere anyway. How many people could say that they’d seen all the sights of half the known galaxy and then some? She’d been to places that no one else had ever ventured and enough was enough, already.

Kathryn frowned and then ran her tongue over her teeth. She really should have a glass or six of water before she went to bed. Waking up tomorrow with the dry horrors wasn’t a particularly desirous outcome after the night’s overindulgences but she was having trouble finding the energy to give a toss. She could always call the Doctor in the morning to put things right. A quick hypo and _life would go on_. She huffed a grim laugh. That little maxim seemed to be the order of the day and a bitter lesson she’d learned over the last few weeks.

Life had gone on but it had gone on without her.

She gave a surly grunt. What an ungrateful fool she was. She had no right to feel this way – wallowing in self-pity when she had the world at her feet. She was the only person she knew who would complain about being the most celebrated woman in the Federation. If you believed the spiel, she’d single-handedly piloted Voyager home from the Delta Quadrant, defeated a veritable cornucopia of evil aliens en route, brought with her a goldmine of new and wondrous technology to enhance the Federation’s already impressive cache, not to mention solely putting a considerable dent in the Borg Collective. What a woman!

She snorted angrily. How could anyone live up to those ridiculous and ultimately false accolades? She certainly couldn’t. And no matter how many times she’d tried to hammer home to all and sundry that she’d had help – wonderful, awe-inspiring and amazing help from her crew – she couldn’t seem to get it across to anyone that it had been a group effort.

If it hadn’t been for the Maquis and the surviving members of her original crew, she’d still be sitting out there by the Caretaker’s array twiddling her thumbs and wondering how to get home. Besides, she could hardly take credit for the demise of the Borg. She’d had a bit of help there too. There’d been two of her after all – herself and her very own version of the grisly ghost of Christmas Yet-To-Come. The mere thought made her cringe. All hail the many and varied incarnations of Kathryn Janeway. God, it didn’t bear thinking about.

It was time to muse on something else. Her heart ached too much when she thought of Voyager.

Looking up, she tried to focus on the white textured ceiling of her room. It was the ugliest damned thing she’d ever seen. It defied belief that after all these centuries they still couldn’t find an efficient and cheap acoustic absorber that didn’t look like cottage cheese. The thought of it made her stomach rebel and she had to look away.

She tilted her head forward but it took a moment for her eyes to catch up – her internal inertial dampeners seemed to be on the fritz. Once everything had sloshed forward and wobbled ominously – her eyesight included – her stomach did a corresponding heave and taking a deep breath, she stood and lurched towards the window. Eventually, the spinning slowed and she focused on the lights of San Francisco. They didn’t hold a candle to the stars of the Delta Quadrant and another wave of nostalgia washed over her, making her heartsore and her eyes well with tears. Damn it all.

Coffee! She needed coffee. Hell, she always needed coffee.

Finest organic substance ever devised.

She’d said that to him once, a long time ago, when Mark had married someone else and she’d been trying to hint at her feelings. But he hadn’t noticed and now he was with _her_.

He’d said she had plenty of time… What a crock! She took a swing at the back of a chair, missed, and nearly landed on her ass but managed to keep herself upright – just.

Deciding that she didn’t want to think about her regrets anymore, Kathryn cast the thoughts aside. It wasn’t easy. The memories seemed to be coming thick and fast tonight; her unfettered mind dipping and weaving through her past and present without the benefit of an inner editor. Things were going to get grim very quickly if she didn’t gain some control soon.

She stopped in the middle of her living area and tried to recall what she was about to do before her thoughts had been hijacked by Chakotay and Seven. It took her a moment and then she remembered – _coffee_ , and lots of it. It was fluid after all, so it had to be good for her, and it might just help to sober her up a bit. It was worth a try.

Realigning her heading, she wove her way over to the replicator and ordered a double shot of espresso. It appeared on the console and after picking it up, she blew on it for a second before taking a healthy sip of the steaming brew. It scalded her mouth, but Kathryn was used to that, and as it warmed her, she took a deep satisfied breath and diverted her thoughts for a few precious seconds.

All of this introspection was exhausting and she cursed silently. Wasn’t alcohol – excessive amounts of it – supposed to help one forget one’s troubles? It was what she’d always been led to believe but it was just typical that it wasn’t working for her. For some accursed reason, it had brought everything into glaring focus and now she had to contend with the fallout without the benefit of a clear head and logic.

Logic.

Her mind shot off on another tangent and she wondered briefly how Tuvok was faring. Her dear, old friend, Tuvok. She could do with his counsel right about now. There was nothing like a Vulcan to cut to the chase. She wondered what he would say about her situation and the mess she’d gotten herself into on her return. There was no denying it; she was a fool. A first class one at that, but that was nothing new. She’d been an idiot for years apparently. ‘Emotionally disabled’ her sister had called her and she was right. She’d always had problems letting people in and letting go. There was something wrong with a person who always had to be in control. They made good captains but pitiful friends and lovers.

Who knew why? Kathryn guessed it had something to do with her father and her constant need for his approval but Phoebe had had the same father and she’d managed to make a life for herself – a thriving career, a husband and children.

However, her sister hadn’t had to contend with the small matter of being thrown to the other side of the galaxy just after her engagement. That had put something of a dampener on Kathryn’s plans for her nuptials and thanks to her strict adherence to protocols and regulations, it meant that she’d lost any chance of having a life in the Delta Quadrant.

It was obviously Starfleet’s fault. If it weren’t for them, her father would still be alive, she’d have married Justin and, instead of standing drunk and alone in soulless Starfleet quarters, she’d have had a glittering career and be wading knee deep in children and family life.

But, that hadn’t been what the Fates had in store for her. So, here she was, teetering on the brink of middle age, a sad and solitary figure with nothing to look forward to after dedicating half a lifetime to an institution that had only taken from her and rarely given anything in return.

And the bastards were still wringing every last drop that they could from her.

Seething anger that had been neatly slotted away and hidden out of sight for decades surged to the surface. The next thing she knew, her cup was sailing across her quarters, an arc of coffee in its wake, before it smashed into the opposite wall.

Taking shuddering breaths, she stared at the shattered cup and droplets of coffee as they slid down the wall and tried to care.

“Kathryn?!”

_Oh, sweet mother of God. No!_

Swinging around, her startled gaze met Chakotay’s from where he stood just inside her door.

She really didn’t need this and hissed, _“What!?”_

“Are you all right?”

What a question! And where to begin? She’d need a week to explain and he was at the bottom of the list of people she wanted to see or talk to. “Go away, Chakotay.”

“I just wanted to check on you. Tom said you left the reception without telling anyone. Are you okay?”

The last thing she needed was to be mother-henned by her former first officer – the man she thought had loved her. It was just too much.

“I said, go away… please. I don’t want to see you, or anyone else.” She rounded on him, hands on her hips and ready for a fight.

He took a tentative step towards her, his face a picture of patronising concern. “What’s wrong, Kathryn?”

Kathryn’s ire rose to heady heights and she snapped at him. “Wrong? Do you really want to know? Well, I’m not okay. _Satisfied?_ I haven’t been ‘okay’ for years but I’ll survive. I just want to go to bed and wake up tomorrow without any memory of tonight and if I’m as drunk as I think I am, I should have that covered.” She turned towards the bedroom and grabbing at the doorjamb for support, tossed over her shoulder as she walked unsteadily into the room. “Lock the door on your way out.”

This was when a slamming door came in handy but of course, there weren’t any and the panel’s insipid hiss as it slid shut behind her only exacerbated her anger.

God, why did he have to come here? Why couldn’t he have left well enough alone? If there were a prize for rubbing salt into wounds, he’d be the winner, hands down. It appeared that the Fates weren’t finished with her yet and were determined to make her life as miserable here in the Alpha Quadrant as it had been in the Delta Quadrant.

“Well, bring it on.” She muttered under her breath as she wrestled her way out of her dress-uniform jacket and tossed it onto the floor. Her bed beckoned and without pulling back the covers or even kicking off her boots, she collapsed onto the mattress and was unconscious before her head hit the pillow.

* * *

The first sensation that registered as she drifted towards wakefulness was that her lips were stuck to her teeth and her tongue felt twice its normal size – dry and like sandpaper. Wonderful. In her drunken stupor, she’d been mouth breathing all night and now she was so dehydrated she could barely swallow. Rolling over, she closed her mouth then opened one eye to scan the room. There was a glass of water by the bed; she eased herself up onto one elbow and reached for it, gratefully taking a couple of giant swallows. A little bit went down the wrong way and she coughed.

There was a noise in the living area and her eyes squeezed shut in dismay. She prayed silently that it wasn’t who she thought it was but knew the awful truth even before she’d heard him at the doorway. Her back was to him and she took a few precious seconds to compose herself before facing him. It was then that she realised she was wearing only her nightdress and panties; her uniform was neatly folded on the chair by the bed.

Oh God! He hadn’t, had he?

“Kathryn, are you all right?”

Damn it, she wished he’d stop asking that question. What the hell did he expect her to say? Gritting her teeth, she rolled over and looked at him. He was rumpled and tousled and had obviously just woken up as well.

She answered tightly, “I’m fine.” If she avoided the whole issue of her miserable evening then maybe it would go away and him with it. Even as she thought this, she knew the likelihood was remote at best. He wouldn’t let this rest until she’d explained herself and revealed all her gruesome innermost thoughts and feelings. Not this time, however. There was too much at stake – her self-respect for one thing, but also his and Seven’s happiness. She wasn’t going to be responsible for destroying that. The guilt of causing a seven-year hiatus in the lives of one hundred and fifty people and the deaths of dozens of others was enough for one person to shoulder, thank you very much.

“Do you want a coffee?”

Kathryn shook her head. “No, thank you. I’m going to shower and head to work.”

“It’s Sunday, Kathryn. You don’t need to go to work.”

“I’ve got some things to sort out at the office. I’ll see you later.”

Without looking at him again, she climbed out of bed and headed to the bathroom. The door snapped shut behind her and before she lost her momentum, she stripped off her nightie and underwear, ordered the shower to hot and climbed under the cleansing spray.

Then she cried. Not loudly or hysterically – she’d spent too many years containing her sorrow to let go in any situation – she did what she’d always done and let her grief release in slow burning tears under the camouflage of the shower’s warm spray. After a few moments of this indulgence, she swallowed any further tears, and grabbing the cleanser got back to the matter at hand. She washed her hair and her body then cleaned her teeth before she stepped from the shower stall and towelled herself dry. She glanced at herself in the mirror and noted dispassionately that she looked like hell – hardly surprising, but it mattered little. A bit of strategically placed concealer would take care of the dark circles under her eyes and she’d become a deft hand at applying blush and lipstick to hide the pallor of too little sleep and too much stress. No one would ever know.

Wrapping a towel around her body, she stepped out of the bathroom, then sighed.

On second thought, _he_ would know.

Chakotay was still standing in the doorway of her bedroom where she’d left him, leaning lazily against the doorjamb. Didn’t anyone do as they were asked anymore? “I thought I told you to leave.”

“I’m not your first officer anymore, Kathryn. I don’t have to follow your orders.”

“I guess not, but in polite society when you’re asked nicely to leave, it’s good manners to do so.”

“You didn’t ask nicely.”

“No? Well, I’m so sorry.” Sarcasm dripped like venom from her words. “ _Now_ , I am asking you _nicely_. _Please go._ I want to get dressed and I’d prefer to do that alone but if you insist on staying where you’re not wanted…” With that, she turned towards her dresser and dropped her towel onto the bed. She opened the drawer pulling out a clean bra, panties and uniform then looked up into the mirror to find him still standing in the doorway, his arms crossed and an angry scowl on his face. She met his gaze with cold eyes. “But then again, I guess you saw everything last night when you undressed me without my permission. I hope you enjoyed yourself.”

“I had nothing to do with that. B’Elanna undressed you.”

Horrified, she swung around and glared at him. _“What!?_ You let B’Elanna see me like that?”

“B’Elanna had already seen you _‘like that’_ at the reception. Everybody had. She knew I was coming here and called to ask if I needed help.”

Kathryn noticed his eyes flick down her naked body. It was a calculated look that, from her vantage point, held nothing but disdain. Swallowing, she snatched up her towel and held it against her.

Humiliated by his indifference, she hardened her heart and glared back at him. Unfortunately, her voice wavered, undermining her bravado. “I would like to get dressed. You’ve made your point. Please leave, Chakotay. I don’t want to do this now. I don’t want to do this ever. Please go.”

The tiniest flicker of sympathy showed in his gaze and Kathryn’s humiliation was complete. Her face began to crumple but before she lost control in front of him, she spun around and re-entered the bathroom.

As she dressed, she swiped angrily at the few stubborn tears that spilled down her cheek. Of all the days to have to confront how profoundly their relationship had deteriorated, this had to be the worst. Not only did she have to deal with a mammoth hangover and the fallout from her behaviour at the reception the previous evening but she also had to contend with Chakotay judging and chastising her. It made her feel old, ugly and used up.

She shrugged into her jacket and caught her reflection in the mirror. It took a second to recognise the hollow-eyed woman who looked back at her. But wasn’t that the unfortunate truth of the matter? That’s exactly what she was – hollow. There was little left of her. She _was_ used up – husked out like an empty shell, every last bit of her spent then discarded until there was nothing left to give. It was a sad, yet true tale, but the fact remained that she was so thoroughly gutted that she couldn’t even raise the smallest amount of enthusiasm to give a damn. All she wanted to do now was sleep – a deep dreamless sleep that would keep the ghosts and regrets at bay and give her time to garner the strength she needed to recoup what she could of the Kathryn she’d once been.

Change of plan. Slipping off her jacket, she exited the bathroom and tossed it onto the top of her dresser. Chakotay was nowhere in sight. It looked as though she’d won that battle and he’d finally gone, but strangely, she didn’t feel the least bit triumphant. The hurt just seemed to echo louder in the emptiness. He’d left; she’d driven him away once again and she was alone.

She’d lied about having work to do, which meant she didn’t have to be anywhere today – it was Sunday after all – and after some coffee and a glass of juice, she was going to head back to bed and see if the world looked any brighter after another couple of hours sleep. She figured it couldn’t look much worse.

Head down, she walked out into the living area and a movement out of the corner of her eye made her jump.

He was still there – as large as life – sitting at her dining room table, reading a PADD.

She wasn’t sure what to say – she figured she’d said everything already. The trouble was, she also couldn’t move. Her legs had seized up and she was rooted to the spot. With an expression devoid of emotion, he stared at her, placed the PADD on the table and got to his feet. Walking past her to the replicator, he ordered a glass of orange juice, some toast and tea then passed her again on the way back to the table. Without a word, he indicated that she should sit.

Kathryn wasn’t sure if she could make her legs move. He must have recognised her dilemma because he strode back towards her, took her arm and led her to the chair.

She sat without argument as he retook his seat beside her, picked up the PADD again and continued to read and make notes.

Kathryn knew when she was beaten and reaching for the juice, she took a sip and had a couple of bites of toast before she glanced his way. “Thank you.”

Lowering the PADD, Chakotay studied her for a long moment before he nodded. “You’re welcome.” He reached for his cup of tea and took a sip, then pointed towards the replicator. “Did you want a detox spray? I was going to contact the Doctor but I figured you wouldn’t like that idea.”

Kathryn shook her head, looking anywhere but at him. She didn’t want to see the pity in his eyes or for him to see the humiliation in hers. “No, I’ll be fine, thank you.”

“Why don’t you go back to bed for a while after you’ve had that? The rest will do you good.”

“I’d planned to.” She took another sip of her juice but her throat had tightened and it was difficult to swallow. “I won’t be long finishing this; there’s no need for you to stay.”

“You keep trying to get rid of me.”

“I don’t want to take up your time. I’m sure you’ve got things to do.”

“Have you thought that perhaps I don’t want to go?”

Her eyes snapped up to meet his. “Isn’t there somewhere you’re supposed to be?”

He didn’t react to her sharp words and merely shook his head. “No. Nowhere in particular.”

Kathryn looked back at her juice again. “I don’t need a nursemaid.”

“No, but you need a friend, though and that’s why I was here last night. I couldn’t leave you in that state; it would have been negligent of me. You could have hurt yourself or worse.”

Kathryn frowned. “I’ve been drunk before and survived.”

“I was here. Let’s just leave it at that. If it were the other way around, you’d have stayed. It’s what friends do.”

She couldn’t argue with that, although she wasn’t entirely sure that he was still her friend. “I apologise for being so unpleasant earlier. You didn’t deserve that but I’m fine now and you really don’t have to stay.”

“Kathryn, why are you driving us all away? Me, especially.”

How could he not know? She blinked slowly before answering. “Chakotay, I’m really not equipped to deal with this conversation at the moment. My head is aching and my stomach is rebelling. Can’t we just leave it for now?”

“No.” He got up from the table and moved to the replicator. A detox hypo appeared on the console and he approached her with it. “Tilt your head a little. You’ll feel better for it.”

Kathryn didn’t argue and let her head drop to one side while he pressed the hypo against her neck, releasing its contents. Almost instantly, Kathryn’s head cleared and her stomach settled. She rubbed at the spot on her neck and then glanced up at Chakotay and gave him a half-hearted smile. “Thank you… again. That feels better.”

“That’s the idea.” He took his seat again and pushed the PADD out of the way before he looked towards her. “Okay, out with it Kathryn. We’ve been here before and I’ve let it ride but there are no Borg cubes or hostile alien attacks to distract you this time. What’s wrong?”

She shrugged. Apart from the obvious, how did one articulate something they themselves didn’t really understand? “There’s nothing wrong. We’re home. I’ve achieved what I set out to do all those years ago and all is as it should be.”

He waited without saying a word.

Kathryn couldn’t bear it when he looked at her like that. She knew that he could see right through her bluster and she hated him for it. She tried a different tack. “I’ll admit I’m exhausted. Worn to the bone. I just need to rest. Six months off would be ideal but that’s not going to happen, so I just have to keep going as best I can.”

“Demand the time off. You can, you know. They can’t make you work if you don’t want to.”

“Yes, they can.”

“No, they can’t, Kathryn. They’re using you. Voyager arrived at a pivotal time for Starfleet. They’d hit rock bottom but you’re a public relations coup – their ‘golden girl’ – and they’re taking advantage of you.” He reached across the table to take her hand but she snatched it away and tried not to notice the hurt look in his eyes. “Kathryn, you’re not ‘fine’ and we’re worried about you. You have to do something about this. Let us help you.”

She vehemently shook her head. “Thanks, but no. You’ve helped enough. Knowing that I made a fool of myself last night in front of my entire crew and that my chief engineer had to undress me because I was too drunk to do it myself is plenty enough help, thanks very much. At least I’m doing something vaguely useful as Starfleet’s ‘golden girl’. It’s not as though I have anything else on my agenda.”

This time he grabbed her upper arm and forced her to look at him. His eyes were dark and angry. “What the hell is this defeatist attitude all about? What have they done to you, Kathryn? What have they made you do? Are you under some sort of obligation to Starfleet that we don’t know about?” His eyes widened and he paled slightly. “Tell me you didn’t do anything to guarantee the Maquis’ release because if you did…”

Kathryn shook her head. “No! No, there’s nothing. Absolutely nothing.” She heaved a sigh and whispered, “Nothing at all.” And that was crux the problem. All the fight went out of her with those words and her shoulders slumped. She had nothing, felt nothing and could see nothing ahead of her. After devoting all her energies into bringing Voyager home there was nothing left of her.

She could feel his eyes on her but couldn’t bring herself to look at him. There was no need to; she could easily imagine the disillusionment in his expression; she’d seen it before. But she didn’t need his pity or his poorly disguised disappointment; she needed his strength but she’d taken advantage of that too many times over the years and, now that he had Seven in his life, it wasn’t on offer anymore. But that was how it should be.

Sitting back, his hand slid from her arm and she stared at her half-eaten toast, waiting for the comradely pat on the shoulder or the brotherly ‘hey up’ intended to make her feel better. She would smile and thank him before retiring to bed and sleeping for the rest of the day. Tomorrow she would get up and get on with her life, such as it was, and wait for things to get better. They would, she knew. She’d been down this road before and eventually something would come along to shock her out of her doldrums – a bucket of cold water, a puppy, an alien invasion – the possibilities were endless.

What she didn’t expect was what Chakotay did next.

“Lieutenant, I am Commander Chakotay from the USS Voyager, please put me through to Admiral Hayes.”

Kathryn hadn’t realised that he’d left the table. Her head snapped up and she stared at him over the top of her communications console on her desk before jagging to her feet. “What the hell are you doing!?”

“I’m arranging your leave. Sit down, Kathryn.”

She did so with a thud before shaking herself and jumping to her feet again to move towards him. “You can’t do that… I demand that you…”

He lifted his hand and pointed to the chair. His voice was as hard as flint. “Sit down, Kathryn, before I knock you down.”

Open mouthed, she stared at him but did as she was told and dropped back into her seat.

_“Commander Chakotay, to what do I owe this pleasure?”_

“Admiral Hayes, I’m contacting you on behalf of Captain Janeway. A written request will be coming through to you as a matter of course, but I’m informing you that as of today, she will be taking six months leave – as will I and the rest of the Voyager crew.”

There were huffing and choking noises from the other end of the comm. line and then Hayes’ voice came through an octave higher than before. “ _This is way out of line, Commander. How dare you issue such demands? I could have your commission for this outrage.”_

“You’re welcome to it, Admiral, and speaking for the rest of the crew, you’re welcome to theirs, too, but I would think very carefully about that course of action. If there are any ramifications as a result of this request, I doubt that the Admiralty will be pleased with the public outcry. To assist you, though, I have prepared a media statement and I’m sending it to you now.” Chakotay tapped the PADD he’d been using earlier, sending the files through to Hayes. He looked again at the screen. “I expect the leave to be gazetted within the hour and my statement on behalf of the captain and crew to be released to the press soon after. As you can see in the request, the senior staff will be contactable should our expertise be required for Voyager’s refit but other than that, we wish to rest and recuperate before we return to the ship under Kathryn Janeway’s captaincy.”

Hayes harrumphed again and growled. _“You’ve got a nerve, young man.”_

Chakotay appeared unmoved and merely waited, his eyes never leaving the screen.

Much to Kathryn’s astonishment, Hayes backed down. “ _Give me two hours, but for the sake of expediency the leave is granted. Tell Janeway to have a restful break.”_

Chakotay nodded once. “Thank you, Admiral. I’ll be sure to pass on the message.”

“ _You can also tell her that she has a rude, arrogant and presumptuous crew that, it appears, will do anything for her. That’s not something you see every day. She must be some sort of captain to engender that degree of loyalty.”_

Chakotay’s eyes flicked up to Kathryn’s before he answered. “Yes, she is, sir. Really something.”

“ _Hmmph, Hayes out.”_

Kathryn watched dumbfounded as Chakotay snapped the lid down on the communication console and sat back with his arms folded waiting for her reaction.

She didn’t disappoint him. “I can’t believe you just did that!”

“Someone had to show some common sense; there’s been a dearth of it around here since we got home.”

“What the hell am I supposed to do now?” She threw her arms wide, indicating her apartment. “I’ve only just unpacked.”

“I’ll help you re-pack, we’ll send your gear on to your mother and then you can decide what you want to do.”

Kathryn was still reeling and spoke before she’d considered his circumstances. “What are you going to do?”

She realised her mistake almost instantly but it was too late to withdraw the question. She steeled herself for his answer but it wasn’t what she expected.

Chakotay shrugged. “I thought I’d do all the things that I promised myself I’d do once I got home – swimming in the Gulf of Mexico, watching the sunrise over the Arizona desert and revisiting the land of the Rubber Tree people in honour of my father.”

Kathryn nodded but couldn’t think of anything to say that didn’t sound insipid or contrived. He surprised her again with his next request.

“I’d be happy for some company on my travels. Would you be interested? We could each make a list, take turns and tick them off as we go.”

Kathryn didn’t know what to say exactly, so instead blurted out the first thing that came to mind, “Why would you ask _me_?”

He looked a little surprised. “Why wouldn’t I? We took most of our shore leaves together and we know we’re compatible travelling companions. I thought you might enjoy it.”

Still on the back foot, Kathryn demanded. “Shouldn’t you be taking Seven?”

“What!? Why on earth would you think that?”

“Everyone knows that you’ve been dating her. She even told me that she’d been seeing you.”

“On the holodeck, yes, but not the real me.”

“What?!”

Chakotay heaved a sigh and nodded towards the replicator. “It’s time for a coffee I think, and then I’ll tell you all about it.”

He retrieved two cups from the console and brought them back to the table. After handing Kathryn hers, he sat down next to her. He took a sip of his drink then cradled the cup in his hands as he began to talk. “A couple of months ago, B’Elanna was clearing out some of the backlogged programs from the holodeck buffers. She came across one of Seven’s programs. It was, for the want of a better description, a seduction scenario where she used my image as her counterpart.”

Kathryn opened her mouth to voice her protest but Chakotay held up his hand. “Let me explain first. Do you remember several months ago when she kept leaving her post and logged all those hours in the holodeck? She told us she was developing a new gravimetric array, but she had some glitch with her cortical node and finished up in Sickbay?”

Kathryn frowned and then nodded as she recalled the incident.

Chakotay continued. “If you remember, we wondered why the Doctor was being so cagey about what was wrong with her but she recovered and we let it go. Well, as it turns out, she’d had a sort of overload in the holodeck while trying to seduce my holo-character.”

Stunned, Kathryn stuttered, “But she knew it was against regulations to use anyone’s image for that sort of thing.”

Chakotay quirked an eyebrow. “When did that ever stop her? Some people aren’t as married to regulations as others but that’s beside the point. Anyway, B’Elanna found the program and as you can imagine she was horrified. Fortunately, she brought it to my attention before she went after Seven with a bat’leth, but it was touch and go there for a while.”

Kathryn could well imagine and for the first time in months, a small but genuine smile tickled at the corners of her mouth. “Dear B’Elanna.”

She noticed his brow furrow at her reaction but he carried on with the story. “I approached Seven to explain about the inappropriateness of using my image in this way and she was very embarrassed but explained that I was the obvious choice as her first ‘experimental relationship’. Because you respected my opinions and chose to spend so much time with me both on and off duty, she had deduced that I was a perfect candidate for a trial seduction. If the Captain trusted me then so did she.”

Kathryn shook her head in disbelief. “We often forget that she’s really just a child – all that intelligence in the mind of an adolescent.” She looked up at him. “You should have told me.”

He shook his head. “It wasn’t necessary. The Doctor was monitoring her cortical node and with B’Elanna’s help, we altered the personality of my holo character so that it was more receptive to Seven’s advances. It had been rather reluctant up until that point.”

“You weren’t angry with her for using you like that?”

“At first I was concerned that other crew members might find out about it and assume the worst, but the Doctor and B’Elanna assured me that no one but Seven had accessed the program. So we encrypted it and hid it well, and Seven continued to use it to further her knowledge of human relationships.”

“But the Admiral told me that you and Seven married in her timeline.”

Chakotay shrugged. “I don’t know what happened in her timeline or if that was even true – I wouldn’t have put it past the Admiral to concoct a story to push her point – but in this timeline, I’m not dating Seven; I never have and I never will.”

Kathryn wasn’t sure what to say so, to fill the moment, she took a sip of her coffee.

Chakotay picked up his coffee and took a mouthful as well, his eyes not leaving her face. Huffing out a breath, he leaned towards her. “Okay, so now that we’ve got that out of the way, what are we going to do about what’s been happening with you?”

“I thought you had that covered with your insane ultimatum to Hayes and my six months leave.”

He shrugged. “That’s just the beginning. I think you need to talk to someone.”

“I’m talking to you, aren’t I?”

The look he gave her could only be described as exasperated.

It brought another smile to her lips. “Okay, point taken, but if you bear with me, I’ll eventually reveal the sad and sorry truth.”

“I’m here and I’m all ears.”

“You’re not making Vulcan jokes are you? Because that would be in very poor taste at this juncture.”

He grinned. “No, I’m not. But on that subject, word came through from Vulcan yesterday that Tuvok is doing well. The treatments are finished and he’s almost back to his old self.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful.” Kathryn felt her heart lighten a little. She’d been very worried about her old friend. “Did they say anything about when he was likely to be back?”

Chakotay shook his head. “No, but as you can imagine, they were hardly chatty. It might be a good idea to contact T’Pel and find out exactly how things are going.”

“Good idea.” Kathryn checked the chronometer and frowned. “It’s still the middle of the night on Vulcan; I’ll have to wait.”

“Would you like to go for a walk in the meantime?”

“Where to?”

Chakotay shrugged. “Does it matter?”

Kathryn was about to protest but then took a moment to think about it and realised that he was right. It didn’t matter. They could go wherever they liked, do whatever they wanted and there wasn’t anyone to tell them otherwise. They were free to do as they pleased. Only moments ago, her lack of direction and motivation had seemed so all-consumingly hopeless but it was now looking quite attractive – she could call it ‘vacation mode’ instead.

Smiling, she shook her head. “No, you’re right, it doesn’t matter. Not one bit.”

He stood, offered his arm and they began to make their way to the door. Placing his hand over hers where it rested on his forearm, he spoke quietly. “It’s good to see you smile.”

“It feels good too.” She slowed and looked up at him. “It really does, but I’m also well aware that there’s a lot of grief and anger under the surface and it’s going to take time to peel back the layers. I’ve had a lot of practice keeping it hidden.”

“We’ve both spent a lot of years hiding parts of ourselves from the crew and from one another. I think it’s time some of those things had an airing.” He raised his eyebrows and smiled gently to take the sting out of his words. “Just as long as you don’t start throwing coffee mugs at me. That’s one hell of a pitching arm you’ve got there, Kathryn.”

She gave him a sideways glance and squeezed his arm hard. “I’m stronger than I look.”

Letting go of her arm, he turned towards her and gripped both of her shoulders gently. “I know you are. You’re one of the strongest people I know but now that we’re home, it’s time to share the burdens.”

“I don’t have ‘burdens’ anymore and you always took your share – those that I allowed you to take. And I’m sorry that I never thanked you for that.”

“It was my job.”

“It wasn’t exactly part of the job description.”

“Considering our circumstances it had to be, but you were as stubborn as you were strong. You still are.”

“That’s not necessarily a bad thing.”

He gave her a long studied look before turning them back towards the door and the world outside. “It depends.”

This time it was Kathryn who brought them to a halt. “What do you mean? It depends on what?”

“What it is that you’re being stubborn about, I suppose.”

He was being all enigmatic and inscrutable again. It drove her crazy. “Now you’re talking in riddles. If you want me to open up to you, will you say what you mean for once?”

They’d made it to the doorway and it hissed open just before he turned towards her again. His dark eyes held hers. His voice was steady and matter-of-fact. “Okay. I love you, Kathryn. I want us to be together in this lifetime, I want a family, and I want everything that we’ve denied ourselves all these years.”

She stared at him, her mouth agape and her eyes like saucers. Just as she was about to say something there was a whoop from the corridor and they turned to find Tom and B’Elanna standing there. Both were beaming and, with arms outstretched, they descended on Kathryn and Chakotay at a run.

Tom wrapped Kathryn in a rib-cracking hug and lifted her off her feet. “Congratulations! I can’t tell you how long we’ve waited to hear that.”

B’Elanna punched Chakotay in the shoulder before pulling him into a fierce hug. “I’m so happy for you, Chakotay! It’s about time. So what are your plans?”

Kathryn was aghast. It was everything she’d wanted, but her emotions were in such disarray that instead of it being the moment of profound resolution it should have been, it instead became interminable seconds of flustered hesitance and leaden silence.

She managed to extricate herself from Tom’s arms and, again, without a word to anyone, took off down the corridor at a run and disappeared down the stairwell.

* * *

Kathryn was on the street, head down and striding at full throttle along the pavement. Only once did she look over her shoulder to see if she was being followed. She wouldn’t put it past Chakotay to take off after her, but she had something of a head start, so she slowed her pace a fraction. Her mission, however, was to get as far away from that scene as possible.

Silently, she cursed herself and Tom and B’Elanna, but most of all, she cursed Chakotay for his lousy timing. The stupid thing was that it had been exactly what she’d wanted to hear – what she’d dreamed of hearing from him for years – but his sudden and unexpected declaration had struck terror into her heart. She’d spent too many years deflecting his advances and then hardening her heart to the eventuality that he’d moved on that the words were almost too difficult to comprehend.

To know that he still loved her should have been the catalyst that resolved all her problems – the cure-all for everything that ailed her. How wrong she’d been. In her current frame of mind, she was incapable of accepting his love or of loving anyone in return. She’d kept her emotions under such tight rein for so long that she was terrified to let go, to open up what was now a seething snake pit of spitting vipers and constrictors that were waiting to strike or squeeze the life out of anyone who strayed near.

Damn. She even scared herself – no wonder people gave her a wide berth. But she wanted to stop feeling like this – to stop feeling so out of control and so damned miserable – especially when she had every reason to be happy.

Out of breath, she’d reached the outer perimeter of the Starfleet grounds and upon finding a timber bench, she sat and looked out over the Bay towards the city waiting for her heart to stop pounding and for her mind to stop reeling. Digging deep, she found a small gentle eddy of calm in the midst of all the turbulence and she concentrated on it for several seconds. It gave her focus and a centre of tranquillity that was so lacking in her life at present. She knew that it was time to fix the mess that was Kathryn Janeway. It had gone on long enough – too long, it seemed, in some people’s opinion – but it had to be done and she needed help. She couldn’t do it on her own but she did have the unlimited resources of the Federation at her fingertips.

The strange thing was she didn’t want ‘unlimited resources’. She wanted someone familiar, who knew her literally inside and out. She tapped her combadge. “Janeway to the Doctor.”

_“Captain, it’s lovely to hear from you. What can I do for you?”_

“I would like to see you – in a professional capacity. I…”

Before she could continue the Doctor’s worried voice interrupted her. “ _Are you ill, Captain? Has something happened? Are you injured?”_

His genuine and unrestrained concern warmed her heart and she felt her eyes sting with tears before she reassured him. “No, I’m not injured or ill as such, but I do need to speak with you. Do you have your emitter and can you beam to my location?”

There was a split second of silence on the other end of the comm. line before the Doctor answered in an aggrieved whisper. “ _I’m afraid, Captain, that my emitter has been confiscated. They don’t trust me with it. Can you imagine that? I think they’re worried that I’m going to replicate it, add a handful of nanoprobes, a dash of Delta Quadrant magic to create my own army of Mark 1 holodrones. Are you able to speak to someone and reassure my ‘keepers’ that if I’d had that in mind, I would have done it years ago? Really, they are philistines!”_

Kathryn couldn’t help smiling. His indignation was a balm and if he’d been there, she would have hugged him. Here was what she’d wished for – a reprieve – something to fix and something to divert her. It wasn’t quite the same as a Borg invasion but it would give her some breathing space to get her thoughts in order and then, with the Doctor’s help, wrestle her own troubles and see what he suggested she do about them.

The thought occurred to her that she should contact Chakotay and let him know that she was all right, but she couldn’t bring herself to talk to him just yet. She’d ask the Doctor to forward a message later.

However, for the time being, she needed to tackle her problems without Chakotay’s help. It was important for her self-esteem to know that she’d not only won the battle, but also the war. She was strong but also stubborn, wilful and tenacious – and she would survive – but she couldn’t begin a relationship with Chakotay, or anyone for that matter, while she was so damaged and fragmented. Once she was whole again and if he still felt the same, their time would come. First things first, however; she needed to sort out the Doctor’s issues and make certain that he was being treated as he should be.

* * *

An hour later, after she’d virtually reduced the head technician at Starfleet Sciences to a quivering mass of Andorian jelly, the Doctor was once again in possession of his holo emitter and free to come and go as he pleased – with allocated accommodation and provisional Visiting Medical Officer status pending. Striding confidently at his Captain’s side, he and Kathryn made their way out of the Sciences’ building.

He’d been inordinately pleased to see her when she’d arrived and he’d hugged her with such enthusiasm that she’d had to ask him to let her go before she fainted. He’d apologised but refused to let her out of his sight. It infuriated her that Starfleet’s technicians and engineers couldn’t see past their binkered prejudices towards holograms to recognise what an extraordinary individual Voyager’s EMH had become. He was right; they were philistines and the Federation council would be hearing about this in due course.

Revelling in his newfound freedom, the Doctor suggested that they take a walk along the Bay. They’d been strolling in silence for five minutes when he suddenly turned towards her – his voice filled with concern. “What did you wish to see me about, Captain?”

She gave him a grim smile, and then pointed towards a café a little further along the walkway. “Would you mind if I got a coffee first? I think I might need it.”

He shook his head. “Not at all; I’d be very worried if you didn’t.”

This made her smile and together they found an isolated table close to the water. Kathryn ordered a large pot of black coffee and two cups. The Doctor couldn’t drink, of course, but she knew that he liked to feel as though he was, in a small way, participating in the pastime.

Kathryn drank one cup quickly and poured another before she began. Meeting his concerned gaze, she spoke quietly. “I’m not well, Doctor.”

He frowned. “In that case, we need to get you to Starfleet Medical immediately and begin some investigations. What are your symptoms, Captain?”

Shaking her head, she reached over and patted his hand. “It’s not a physical illness; it’s more a… psychological one. I’m having trouble controlling my emotions and understanding what lies behind my inner turmoil. I’m exhausted, of course – I’ve barely stopped working since we arrived home, but it’s more than that.”

He nodded sympathetically. “I’ve been waiting for this.”

“You have?”

He nodded again. “Yes.” He leaned forward slightly, his face caught in an inquiring frown. “You haven’t?”

Kathryn shook her head.

The Doctor huffed dramatically. “It didn’t occur to you that you might have an emotional reaction to accomplishing your mission – that onerous undertaking that has ruled your life both on and off duty for the last seven years?” His voice was a touch incredulous. “What did you think would happen when you got home, Captain?”

“I thought I’d be extremely relieved that we were finally here, happy that I’d achieved my goal and then get on with life.”

The EMH merely quirked an eyebrow and Kathryn gave him a pained look.

“But when you put it like that…” She smiled glumly. “I should have been more aware.”

“I hold myself responsible. I should have warned you to expect repercussions of an emotional nature.”

Kathryn shook her head. “It’s not your fault, Doctor. I probably wouldn’t have listened to you.”

He met her gaze and reluctantly nodded his head. “That is a valid point. However, we still have to do something about this. Have you spoken to the Commander?”

“Commander Chakotay?”

The Doctor nodded again, as though it was a given that Chakotay would be her obvious choice of confidant. When she didn’t answer, he looked at her more carefully and frowned. “You haven’t spoken to him about this?”

Time to come clean. “We had a confrontation of sorts this morning. He gave me, and then Admiral Hayes, an ultimatum. The crew and I are subsequently on six months leave.”

The EMH nodded slowly then added, “And…”

“What do you mean – ‘and’?”

“ _And_ what else happened during this ‘confrontation’.”

“Nothing that is relevant.”

“Are you certain about that?”

The Doctor’s voice had taken on that patronising tone that set her teeth on edge but she tamped down her irritation and nodded. “I’m certain.”

“He didn’t tell you about his feelings for you, by any chance?”

Kathryn’s stolid silence was answer to that question and the Doctor nodded sagely. “I thought as much. Very poor timing on his behalf, if you ask me…” He caught her withering glance and demurred, “… but of course you didn’t. I am pleased, however – poor timing aside – that it is finally out in the open. It has been, for a very long time, one rather large elephant sitting on the Bridge – or wherever else you happened to appear together. I know everyone will be thoroughly relieved to hear that the truth is out at last.”

“Everyone?”

He looked genuinely surprised. “Captain, it was one of the worst kept secrets on Voyager. Everyone knew how the Commander felt about you and it was quite obvious that you reciprocated those feelings. It was a universally accepted truth that you loved one another.”

“But we didn’t ever… There were rules, regulations… We couldn’t… I couldn’t…” Kathryn was stuttering which made her sound even more pathetic than she felt. She was mortified.

The Doctor, on the other hand, seemed completely unperturbed. “Of course, everyone knew that as well, but just because regulations dictated that you couldn’t consummate the relationship, it didn’t mean that you weren’t in love with one another. As I said, it was a forgone conclusion that once we were home, you would finally cast protocols aside and… ah, unite.”

Kathryn snapped. “A forgone conclusion?!”

Her companion seemed unimpressed by her petulant attitude and quirking an eyebrow, challenged her. “That wasn’t _your_ ‘forgone conclusion’ as well?”

She opened her mouth to deny the assertion but closed it again, meeting the Doctor’s smug look with a narrow-eyed glare. “What I wanted to happen once I arrived home is neither here nor there. It’s not what I came here to talk to you about and if you insist on continuing along this path, I’m going to have to bring this meeting to an end.”

The Doctor held up his hand and nodded. “I apologise, Captain. I do understand your discomfiture in regard to the Commander and I won’t say another thing about it.”

“My discomfiture?”

He hesitated and although Kathryn had already told him to stop talking about Chakotay and their ‘relationship’, she had to know. Curiosity got the better of her and she foolishly ignored the little voice in her head that whispered –‘remember the cat.’

“Go ahead, Doctor and I promise not to bite your head off.”

His lip curled and he muttered. “How reassuring.”

This time Kathryn raised her brow, Tuvok style, and the Doctor sighed as he continued.

“There were complications in regard to your relationship with the Commander and he was very aware of them.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes and was about to point that they’d already covered the insurmountable hurdles of regulations and protocols, but the Doctor shook his head.

“I’m not referring to Starfleet rules and regulations, I’m referring to – hypothetically, of course -” He’d caught himself almost breaking confidentiality and quickly rephrased his response, “…complications that were more subtle but just as impenetrable. You and the Commander come from entirely different backgrounds and, although I am well aware that in this day and age that shouldn’t matter one iota, we could easily assume that the Commander was concerned that once back here on Earth, in the bosom of family and Starfleet, that these differences would come into glaring focus. His traditional upbringing was based on honour and sacrifice – much like your Starfleet edicts – and he would have been willing to stand by your side for a lifetime if that was required. But he would never have pushed you or tried to persuade you – nor would he have ever attempted to seduce you. And being the kind of man he is, he willingly would have let you go if that made you happy.”

It sounded so typical of Chakotay – the man was a goddamned saint – and now she was really angry. “Why in God’s name would he think that I would care what anyone thought or that I would even think of choosing Starfleet over him?! You’re damned right that it doesn’t matter – where the hell did he get the idea that it did? I’m appalled he would even consider it. He should know better. God, I’ve been in love with the damned idiot for nearly seven years – did he think that I’d take one look at an Admiral’s pip and walk away? He obviously doesn’t know me as well as he thinks he does. I’m, I’m … I don’t know what I am except damned angry. How dare he?”

The Doctor was unsuccessfully hiding a very satisfied smile. “I did tell him this many times over the years.”

Kathryn’s head snapped up and she glared at the EMH. “He spoke to you about his feelings for me and these reservations?”

The Doctor’s eyes widened and the smile instantly disappeared. “I… umm, he… errrm…” Attempting to cover his gaff with outrage he blustered, “You are aware that I can’t divulge that information, Captain. I am programmed with rigid protocols regarding doctor/patient confidentiality.”

Kathryn merely quirked an eyebrow.

The supposedly rigid protocols of confidentiality obviously had a few chinks and wobbly bits because the Doctor bluster lasted only as long as he could endure her stare.

“Hypothetically speaking and, of course, off the record…”

Kathryn nodded slowly.

“…I was, on occasion, his sounding board – not that I can divulge exactly what was said – but when there was no one else to speak to and when he didn’t wish to worry you with his concerns, he would come and speak to me.”

Kathryn was astonished and a tad flummoxed. It had never occurred to her to think along these lines. She’d just assumed – it seemed erroneously – that Chakotay sailed blithely from day to day, taking every knock and overcoming each obstacle with an inner grace and ease that set him apart from the rest of the crew. He’d seemed so indestructible. But of course that hadn’t been true. No one could be _that_ resilient. A huge wave of guilt washed over her, threatening to drown her in her own selfish and self-obsessed arrogance. How could she have been so blind and so self-centred not to realise that he needed just as much emotional scaffolding as anyone in the crew? His losses were just as profound. Not only had he lost his home and family to the Cardassians, but also his Maquis comrades – his chosen family – in that terrible raid on Tevlik, and she’d never really given him the support he’d deserved and undoubtedly needed at the time.

Her thoughts darted back to the previous evening and her drunken meanderings about his reluctance to approach her the day that she’d found out about Mark’s marriage. She cringed inwardly at her self-centeredness. He’d been there for her, offering comfort and a willing ear but she’d not given a second thought to his overwhelming loss. She’d been so caught up in her own pity-fest and the desire for his attention, that she’d completely overlooked his grief. It all seemed so clear now and she felt terrible. Her voice was a strained whisper. “I should have known.”

“He wouldn’t have wanted you to worry, Captain. You had enough on your plate.”

She snapped. “I don’t mean about that…” Instantly regretting her outburst, Kathryn placed her hand on the Doctor’s arm in apology. “I just wish I’d been less self-centred, self-absorbed, and acknowledged the burdens that he took upon himself. I never thanked him and instead made his life miserable a lot of the time.”

“I know that’s not true, Captain. You and the Commander were a team. I can count on one hand the times that you disagreed and for the most part, you were able to compromise and find a resolution. I’ve since seen it as a lesson in synchronicity. Your ability to read each other’s minds and pre-empt one another’s actions saved us more times than you realise. You are the yin to his yang, the Maylota to his Actuh, the… “

“I get the picture, thank you, Doctor.”

“Sorry, Captain.”

Kathryn sat for several minutes, sipping her coffee and staring out over the Bay. The Doctor’s revelations put a very different slant on her and Chakotay’s situation. Now that she’d come to terms with the fact that he wasn’t with Seven and never had been, and that his ongoing reluctance to approach her romantically was bred from a flawed but genuine concern about their compatibility – it changed everything. She was still angry with him that he would assume she put any credence in other people’s opinions. The man was extraordinary, kind and caring, but such an ass sometimes. Along with these new revelations came a slow calming of the tumultuous churn of emotions. Everything began to make sense and with that understanding came the warm wash of inner peace – something Kathryn hadn’t felt for long time.

Taking a deep breath, she turned to her companion. “Thank you, Doctor. Suddenly, it’s all beginning to make sense.”

“I’m pleased I could shed some light on your concerns.”

“I feel much better already.”

“I’m glad to hear it but I still want to make some arrangements for counselling. I’ll choose the therapist very carefully and we’ll only proceed when you feel comfortable but I think it’s important, Captain.”

She nodded. “You’re right, Doctor, and I’ll leave that in your capable hands, but right now I have some apologies and amends to make.”

The EMH smiled. “I’m sure someone will be glad to hear that.”

Kathryn shrugged a little and gave a small grimace. “I hope so. I wasn’t very nice to him earlier today and I don’t even want to think about last night.”

“Well, it looks as though you won’t have long to mull over your apology.” He indicated with a nod of his head that there was someone behind her.

Kathryn turned to find Chakotay waiting over by the far walkway. He was leaning against a lamppost looking out over the water.

Kathryn held her breath for a moment and then, almost as though he knew she was watching him, he turned slowly, his eyes meeting hers. His face was too difficult to read from this distance but he looked relaxed and calm – although he had every right to be upset with her.

She turned back to the Doctor. “Are you all right to find your way home from here?”

He shooed her with a few flicks of his hand. “I’m a hologram, Captain. I’m better equipped than a homing pigeon. I’ll be fine.”

“Thank you, Doctor, for everything.” And much to the EMH’s obvious astonishment then delight, Kathryn leaned over and kissed his cheek. “We must do this again sometime.”

A beaming grin lit his face and he nodded enthusiastically. “I’d love to, Captain.”

“‘Kathryn,’ Doctor. From now on, please call me ‘Kathryn.’”

Still grinning, his eyes flicked towards Chakotay and then back towards her again. “Good luck, Kathryn. Be happy.”

She merely nodded, then without looking back, strode confidently towards Chakotay.

* * *

As she drifted towards wakefulness, Kathryn smiled. In the months since that fateful day down by the Bay, her life had taken a joyous and very satisfying turn.

The muscular arm draped around her middle, the warm hand that cupped her breast and the gentle breaths tickling the back of her neck sending delicious trickles of goose bumps down her arms, were a wonderful waking reminder of her new life.

He stirred and she stilled – not wanting to rouse him yet. She was keen to indulge in this quiet time of togetherness and take a few moments to revel in the simple beauty of where life had led them.

* * *

In the end, the slide from friends to lovers had been an effortless one. From the moment she’d walked away from the Doctor and shocked Chakotay by stepping into his arms and kissing him, their fates had been sealed. In truth, from the instant their eyes had met across the viewscreen all those years ago, this had been their destiny.

She smiled again as she remembered his reaction that day. His calm and imperturbable exterior had hidden a seething mass of insecurity and, with her newly acquired understanding of his reservations regarding their relationship, she’d decided to knock them on their collective asses once and for all, and show him – and whoever else was in close proximity – exactly what she thought of them – and him. She’d marched right up to him, her eyes never leaving his and without a word of warning, she’d wrapped her arms around his neck, pulled him close and clamped her lips on his. It had taken a moment for him to respond but once he’d gotten the gist of what was happening he’d wholeheartedly joined in – with great finesse. As she’d told him at the time, he was a quick study.

Eventually they’d headed back to her apartment.

She’d tried many times to apologise for her behaviour that day and for all the days in the previous seven years, but he’d refused to accept the apology, eventually pressing his fingers over her lips and asking her to stop. He explained that he’d understood her reasoning and agreed with it. They’d had a job to do and he had loved her no matter what.

* * *

Her smile broadened as she felt lips begin to trail gentle kisses down her shoulder and he whispered in her ear. “What are you smiling about?”

Squirming in his arms, Kathryn wriggled back against his solid chest. “How do you know I’m smiling?” She peered over her shoulder and chuckled. “Your eyes are closed.”

He opened one eye a crack and grinned. “That laugh is a dead giveaway.”

Kathryn rolled over in his arms to face him and swept his hair away from his forehead. “All right, I _was_ smiling. You’re hardly psychic though – you’d be lucky to catch me not smiling these days.” She heaved a contented sigh. “I was remembering that day down by the Bay.”

His expression softened and he nodded. “Ahh, the day my wanton woman shocked half the population of Earth, broadsided the Starfleet PR machine and almost short circuited the Doctor’s holomatrix.”

Rolling her eyes, she gave him a gentle shove. He rolled onto his back and she slid over him to lay full length along his body. Folding her arms across his chest, Kathryn rested her chin on her hands. “Wanton I may be, but half the population of Earth? That’s a bit of an exaggeration.”

“It’s more of an understatement. That kiss made the front page of the Fed Tribune.”

“Okay, I’ll grant that – but how was I to know there were paparazzi on my tail. Besides, Starfleet survived and the Doctor didn’t go anywhere near blowing a gasket. He was the one who sent me to you. It’s all his fault.”

“He’s well aware of that and takes the credit for it every chance he gets.”

She laughed again. “True.”

Chakotay’s hand was stroking down her back and over her bottom. “So, Captain, what have you got planned for us today?”

She grinned broadly and gave him a smug smile. “Absolutely nothing. We don’t have to move from here except for food.”

He nestled her more snugly against his burgeoning erection and grinned. “You know the way to a man’s heart.”

“You’re talking about the food part, aren’t you?”

He laughed loudly but the sound was cut short as she tilted her pelvis and in one smooth movement, sank down over his erection. With eyes sparkling with mischief, Kathryn eased herself up until she was straddling his hips and, as he slid deeper, she grinned down at him.

Picking up his hands, she rested them gently on her hips and undulated against him. “Still hungry?”

His pupils dilated and wrapping his arms around her, he pitched forward to suckle at her breast. He mumbled hotly into the soft flesh. “Ravenous, as always.”

Kathryn ran her fingers through his hair and held him to her breast as she ground against him. Since her recent sexual re-awakening, she seemed to spend a good deal of her time in a state of semi-arousal and her orgasm quickly swelled within her. The familiar throb of her inner muscles heralded its coming and with a throaty moan, her body spasmed and arched. Her vagina gripped him in pulsing waves, her hips jolting against his.

After a few moments, her body sagged and she sighed but he was still hard and rolling her under him, he drove into her in deep, steady thrusts. Kathryn could feel another climax building and with her eyes riveted to his, she whispered, “Love me….”

His breath caught and she could feel him swell inside her, the sweet stretch of flesh pushing her ever closer to the edge. With one final thrust, he hunched powerfully before heaving a tortured groan and emptying himself into her. Her second climax followed his in a series of gentle throbs and Kathryn sighed happily before Chakotay rolled them to the side with his leg hooked over her hip, holding her to him. He kissed her eyes, her cheek and then her lips.

His kiss was confirmation that his hunger was far from sated but as his lips gentled, he slid them along her jaw and to her neck where he nibbled at the soft skin below her ear making her shiver. His hands skimmed over her back and down her sides in a constant and mesmerising rhythm and she arched her neck again to give him better access. As he bit at her earlobe then nipped at her neck, he whispered, “I don’t need food when I have this delicious morsel to feast on.”

She couldn’t help laughing before she countered wryly. “Kathryn Janeway, the-all-you-can-eat-buffet. I’m not sure whether I should, but I’m going to take that as a compliment.”

Chakotay chortled and pulled back to look at her. She was grinning broadly and he kissed her soundly before rising up on one elbow to study her. “Yeah, that didn’t come out quite how I’d meant it.” He chuckled quietly but then frowned as he slipped from her body.

Kathryn ran her fingers over his furrowed brow before kissing his tattoo and sliding to the side of the bed. “I know you’re stuffed full of me, but I’m starving so how about we have some breakfast and then come back to bed?”

“Sounds good to me. Food and bed, the perfect partners.”

She leaned over and patted his belly. “Another week and we’ll be back to Tuvok’s dreaded workouts. Are you sure you’re ready?”

He looked down and grimaced. “No, but that’s not going to stop him torturing me is it?” He laughed. “Thank God, Paris is in worse shape than I am, otherwise I’d be worried.”

Kathryn shook her head as she made her way to the bathroom. “I’m going to make sure B’Elanna and I have holo-cameras handy. The Fed Tribune will be hugely grateful for the insider’s view of Voyager’s next mission – getting her crew fit again.”

The next thing she knew, she was picked up and deposited in the shower cubicle. She squealed as he snapped out, “Shower on, twenty degrees.”

He grinned at her through the glass as she was doused in cold water.

Kathryn spluttered and growled, “ _You….you…”_ She took a deep breath and then dipped her head under the water. “Actually, that’s quite refreshing.”

He frowned. “Really?”

She nodded and held out her hand. Looking at him seductively, she gently bit her bottom lip and beckoned him into the cubicle with her. As he took her hand, she gave it one almighty tug and hauled him under the cold water with her.

He yelped and she laughed at his shocked expression. “That’ll teach you. Shower, forty-two degrees.”

“You’re pure evil under that delicious exterior, you know.”

“And don’t you ever forget it.”

Kathryn sidled closer and began to lather his chest and shoulders with soap. “I can’t believe that we only have a week to go before Voyager’s recommission. This last six months has flown.”

As he ran his fingers through her wet hair, then began to lather it with shampoo. He nodded. “I’m sure if I used my charm again, Admiral Hayes would give us another six months leave.”

Kathryn looked up at him with a deadpan expression. “If you use that sort of charm again, we’ll be on leave permanently. You were lucky to get away with that once; I wouldn’t push my luck if I were you.”

“Hayes and I have an understanding.”

“Yes, you have an understanding that he’ll boot you out of Starfleet if you ever try something like that again.”

“Well, it’s an understanding of sorts.”

Kathryn’s mouth twisted into a grin and she shook her head. “This time next week, we’ll be back on Voyager’s Bridge. Do you think we can command her without this coming between us?”

“This?”

She hadn’t meant to bring up her concerns precisely at this juncture, but it was as good a time as any, and the fact that they were naked in the shower was a case in point. Taking a deep breath, Kathryn rinsed her hair before wrapping her arms around him and nestling her head against his shoulder. Even after months of counselling and at last coming to terms with the seven years in the DQ, she still wasn’t sure if she could bear to see the disappointment in his eyes when she asked the question. “Once we’re back on Voyager, do you think we can figuratively step out of the shower and onto the Bridge without there being issues?”

She waited for his body to tense and the angry denial that would follow, but instead she felt, as well as heard, the quiet rumble of his laugh. Pulling back, she looked up into his smiling face.

“Kathryn Janeway, I love the fact that you never change.”

She was very relieved that he wasn’t upset by her question but she was puzzled by his reaction. “I’m not joking, Chakotay. This is new territory for us; actually, it’s new territory for all of Voyager’s crew.”

He shrugged. “They’ll cope and so will we. We’re far from stupid, Kathryn, and yes, there will be a change in dynamics, but our ability to adapt is a trait that we’ve managed to perfect over the years. We’ll be fine and if we run into problems, we’ll merely deal with them, overcome them and move on. I have no doubts about our ability to do that.”

She marvelled. “You’re _that_ sure?”

“Aren’t you?”

Kathryn thought about it for a moment and then shrugged. “I suppose I am, but as the captain, I felt compelled to ask.”

He kissed her quickly. “See what I mean. Even standing here, naked with my erection pressed into your belly, your thoughts are of Voyager and the crew’s best interests. You’ll be fine; we’ll be fine and subsequently, so will Voyager and all on board.” He kissed her soundly and smiled down at her lovingly. “Aren’t you glad we had this talk?”

She huffed a laugh and gave him a gentle shove. “And you think I’m evil.”

“’Deliciously evil’, I think were my exact words.”

Kathryn rolled her eyes but then hugged him tightly. “We’re a perfect match then.”

“That’s something I’ve never doubted.” He ducked his head under the water once more and then ordered the shower off.

Together they stepped out of the cubicle and dried themselves. They were half dressed when their front door chimed.

Kathryn looked at Chakotay. “Who could that be?”

He shrugged. “I have no idea.” Already wearing his track pants, he grabbed a t-shirt and pulled it over his head as he dashed out of the bedroom and downstairs to the front door.

Kathryn quickly finished dressing, then smiled as she heard the familiar voices of Tom and B’Elanna.

She pulled her hair back into a ponytail and within a minute, headed downstairs to greet their visitors.

“Good morning.”

B’Elanna gave her a smile. “Kathryn, hi. Sorry to drop in unannounced but we couldn’t wait and Owen was absolutely bursting to tell you. Voyager is ready and he wanted to know if you and Chakotay and the rest of the senior staff would like to spend the day on board getting to know her.”

Kathryn’s eyes lit up as she turned to Chakotay and she smiled. “I’d love to. Chakotay?”

“Are you kidding? You’d have to beat me back with a stick.”

“Are you heading over there now?”

Both B’Elanna and Tom were in uniform and they nodded. “Yes, but we’ll wait for you. Harry, Tuvok, Seven and the Doctor are going to meet us at the space dock and we’ll pick up a shuttle from there.”

Kathryn grabbed Chakotay’s hand and they took off up the stairs. She called over her shoulder. “Make yourselves at home, we’ll be no more than five minutes.”

* * *

Excitement churned in Kathryn’s belly as Tom piloted their shuttle in and around the huge docks that housed half-constructed and semi-repaired vessels. With the Doctor, Tuvok, B’Elanna, Harry and Seven hovering near the windows, she clasped Chakotay’s hand firmly in hers and squeezed it tightly as they rounded the last of the massive scaffolds to see Voyager in all her wondrous glory. Gone were the scars of her many Delta Quadrant battles and the hodge-podge of alien technology that had dotted her exterior. She was as bright and shiny as a new pin, her name and number proudly emblazoned on the glittering hull.

Kathryn was speechless but cast a quick glance towards the man at her side. He smiled and mouthed, _I love you._

She nodded and whispered, “You, too.” before she turned back to the view.

Tom took them slowly along the upper hull and then in a long arc aft and back again to enter through the shuttle bay.

They landed in amongst half a dozen newly constructed Delta Flyers and Kathryn had to choke back tears as she noticed the names on two of the closest vessels, _the Neelix_ and _the Kes_. It was an emotional moment, but a deeply satisfying one, and after taking a shuddering breath, she smiled and patted Tom’s shoulder. “Perfect landing, Tom. You haven’t lost your touch.”

“Well, that’s a relief.”

The shuttle door hissed open and they all stepped out into the Bay.

Kathryn turned towards her crew. “Shall we?”

The Doctor bowed slightly and indicated with a sweep of his hand that she should precede them. “After you, Captain.”

Leading the way with Chakotay by her side, Kathryn strode along the newly refurbished corridors of deck ten towards the turbo lift. Although the dark grey carpet had been replaced by a lighter shade and the bulkheads freshly painted in softer hues, it was still her Voyager and she could feel a delightful sense of homecoming seep into her bones. It felt damned good.

The lift whisked them upward.

Kathryn held her breath as she stepped out onto her new Bridge. The forward screen had been activated and it showed a view of Earth spinning slowly beneath them; it was a vision of which she would never tire.

Chakotay and the others hung back while she stepped down onto the command deck. The new Bridge was sleek and streamlined but they’d kept the basic configuration the same. Taking a stroll around the deck, she came to her command chair and stood staring down at it for a long moment. It, too, was new and she suddenly felt alone, which was the last thing she wanted. Looking up, she met Chakotay’s gentle gaze and without a word, he nodded knowingly and made his way to her side.

The rest of the crew followed suit and took up their posts, but all eyes were on Kathryn as she slowly sat in her new command chair. Chakotay also took his seat and turned to watch her as she wriggled her bottom into the upholstery and pressed her shoulders into the backrest. She could tell that everyone was waiting expectantly for her opinion.

With one eyebrow raised, she cast her glance sideways towards Chakotay. “It’s going to take some time to wear it in, but it’s not a bad fit. Commander?”

He grinned broadly as he sat back, gripping the chair arms. “It’ll do.”

Tom swept his hand over his console. “Pity we can’t take her for a spin.”

“All in good time, Lieutenant.” Kathryn pivoted to her feet. “Well, everyone, you’re free to tour the ship on your own time. Chakotay, shall we take a look at the Ready Room?”

“Lead the way, Captain.”

The Ready Room doors closed behind them and Kathryn jogged up the steps to her replicator. “Two coffees. One black and one white with two sugars.” The beverages appeared and Kathryn turned around looking very pleased with herself. “It likes me.”

Chakotay eyed his cup warily as he took it from her. “For now. Wait until you’ve taken it apart a few times, then we’ll see.”

“Hush your mouth; don’t even put that out there.” Kathryn took a sip of her coffee and heaved a happy sigh. “Delicious.” But before Chakotay could take a seat on the new couch, Kathryn nodded towards the door and clasped his upper arm. “Come on, we’ll take these with us and check out the Captain’s quarters.”

“And the First Officer’s quarters.”

Kathryn gave a non-committal shrug and a, “Hmmm, sure,” as she stepped through the doorway and moved up to the turbo lift.

They arrived on deck three and made a beeline to the first door along the corridor. It opened on their approach and she turned to Chakotay and grinned. “Bio-signature recognition. Very nice.”

He nodded and followed her through the entrance. The room had been drastically reconfigured; the living area alone appeared to be twice as big as her old quarters.

Chakotay whistled quietly. “Wow, this is impressive.” Then he frowned as he looked towards where his quarters should be. Where the wall once was, there was now an enlarged dining area and small kitchen.

Kathryn shrugged. “It’s lovely, isn’t it? I was given free rein to design it just how I wanted it. The bedroom is through here and the bathroom beyond that. There’s even a small office over there _and_ a spare room.”

“This must take up the whole section.”

Kathryn tried not to look too guilty but it didn’t work very well. “I’m sorry but there had to be some sacrifices made. I’m afraid your quarters aren’t next door anymore.”

He looked a little chagrined but Kathryn appeared entirely unaware. He muttered quietly, “I didn’t look at the schematics; perhaps I should have. Where are my quarters now?”

Moving into the bedroom, she tossed over her shoulder just before she disappeared around the doorway, “You don’t have any.”

“What?!” She didn’t answer so he put his coffee cup on the nearest bookshelf and followed her. “Kathryn, what do you mean, ‘I don’t have any’? How am I supposed to be your first officer if I don’t have quarters?”

Kathryn could hear the panic rising in his voice and couldn’t bear to torture him any longer, so she swung around and with arms spread wide, grinned. “These are your quarters.”

“But…” It took a heartbeat but Kathryn was pleased to note that he cottoned on quickly. His eyes widened in surprise. “We’re sharing quarters? Does Hayes know?”

“Yes, and he didn’t have a problem with it, although, there was a stipulation.”

Kathryn could see his mind darting off in all directions and he looked behind him towards the spare room. “A stipulation? Please put me out of my misery.”

Setting her coffee down on the bedside table, Kathryn took a couple of steps towards him. “He said that Starfleet would prefer that we were married before we began co-habiting. I said that I’d run the idea past you and gauge your reaction.”

Chakotay stared at her for a long moment and then pounced. Wrapping his arms around her, he lifted her off the ground and slammed his lips on hers. He pulled back to gasp, “I accept.” Before kissing her again and again.

Breathless, Kathryn eventually eased away and tucking her head into the crook of his neck, she smiled. “I hadn’t intended for that to sound as though Hayes had made the proposal but as usual, things didn’t go quite to plan.”

Sweeping her hair behind her ear, Chakotay shook his head. “As long as I don’t end up married to Hayes, it worked fine for me, but now we have a wedding to plan – before the week is out.”

Kathryn shook her head and grimaced guiltily. “Well, actually, if you’d like to come back to the Bridge, there’s a little surprise waiting for you.”

“Kathryn, what have you done?”

* * *

Standing side by side in front of their command chairs, Captain Kathryn Janeway and her husband and First Officer, Commander Chakotay looked towards the viewscreen.

Admiral Hayes’ rather rumpled visage filled the screen. The moment was remarkably similar to a week ago when they’d stepped out of the turbo lift to be greeted by the smiling senior staff and the Admiral’s scowling face. He’d snapped at them for keeping him waiting and Kathryn had apologised, explaining that the proposal had taken a little longer than she’d expected. He’d harrumphed and then hurried them along.

It had been one of the quickest wedding ceremonies of all time but neither Kathryn nor Chakotay cared. Within ten minutes of arriving on the Bridge, Hayes was closing communications and the senior staff were all whooping for joy.

* * *

Tom had arranged a party back in Indiana with all the crew and the celebrations had gone on well into the next morning. Kathryn couldn’t help smiling when she thought about it. It had been perfect.

“Captain, Commander, it’s good to see you again.” The approval in Hayes’ tone despite his usual scowl was unmistakable this time.

Chakotay nodded, “Sir.”

And Kathryn took a step forward. “It’s good to see you again, too, sir.”

“She’s all yours again, Kathryn. Take good care of her and safe voyage.”

“Thank you, sir. I shall and we’ll see you in six months.”

“Godspeed.” And with a brisk nod, Hayes closed the channel.

Earth appeared on the viewscreen once more and Kathryn turned to Harry. “I think it’s time we had a look at where we’re going.”

“Aye, Captain. On screen.”

The sweeping vista of space filled their vision; the distant stars twinkled temptingly and the siren call of adventure beckoned. “Tom, ahead quarter impulse.”

“Aye, Captain.”

“And once we’re clear of the solar system, best speed to the Beta Quadrant.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

Kathryn sat back in her chair as Voyager’s new engines thrummed beneath her feet and she glanced towards Chakotay as she felt the warp engines engage. Turning frontward again, she smiled as the stars elongated and, reaching for his hand, she held on tight as they shot forward into their new future.

Fin.


End file.
